Friday, August 11, 2006
My Dark Side
Every night before I go to bed, I always asked for patience and fairness so that I will be able to give this to Zara (and the coming baby) in her (their) upbringing. I realised when I'm tired, not feeling well and if I have some misunderstanding with Daddy, my mood is sour, and I will then be a bit harsh on Zara. When she wakes up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream, and on days when I'm not rested, I would actually grumble loudly to her while patting her, "Please la, go back to sleep la. Mummy also needs rest la." (I should have just hug and calm her, and pat her back to sleep) When she's demands for TV even after she's just watched a whole Barney show, if my mood is sour, I would tell her a firm "NO! NO MORE TV!" No explanation given. (I should have suggested to her other things to do instead of watching TV) When she runs around naked after a bath, trying to be playful instead of letting me dress her up, and if I'm in one of those moods, I'll yank her towards me, and almost shouting, "Don't be naughty yeah! Quickly, let mummy dress you up!" (I should have explained to her that she should get dress quickly, or she'll catch a cold). Get the drift..? Yesterday, I wasn't feeling quite well, because I have a bit of abdominal pain (oh well, maybe this was just my excuse). I was giving Zara a tough time. "Stop splashing water on mummy yeah. Or else you stop swimming!" when she was splashing water in her playful way in her wading pool. "Hurry up la, get out of the bath now!" during her evening bath, because she wanted to play longer in her bath. "You tore your book huh? Ok, mummy throw away the book then since you don't know how to sayang (Malay: Take care) your book." when she accidentally tore a page out from her book. "Please hold your cup properly la. Why you keep spilling?" when she drank from her sippy cup and spilled some out. etc. In the night, when it was time for her to brush her teeth and get ready for bed. She was making a fuss because I got Tuyam to help her instead of helping her myself. "Aiya, mummy not feeling well la. Let Kakak do for you." I grumbled impatiently. She gave me a reply which woke me up instantly. She said, "Mummy so rude!". When I asked her what she said. She didn't dare repeat that, but she said instead, "Don't want Mummy scold Zara.". It quickly brought me to my senses. Why am I being so harsh on her the whole day, or on days when I'm in my sour mood? She's just being herself like any other days. I felt so guilty. So I have my dark side too, but I really hope such occasions are rare, and I'm still learning to be patient, if not constantly at least most of the time.