Friday, November 11, 2005

Part 6 : The Worst Day of My Life

We were exhilarated. We were going to be parents! Finally! We were eager to share the good news with the world! People were happy for us, knowing how much I’d gone through in recent years. My sister immediately bought 2 maternity dresses for me, even though not the slightest bump had shown yet. I continued to go to the gym, keened on strengthening myself more because of the pregnancy. Dr Wong requested me to see him every other day, he wanted to give me some jabs. Only the 3rd jab, I realized he was actually giving me progesterone or 安胎针, it was for making sure I keep my pregnancy (there’s really no evidence that it helps). I said I didn’t need it, I had had enough hormonal jabs/pills. He insisted that I had to take it! Time to change Dr, Daddy told me, he didn’t like all these hormonal treatment either, and Dr Wong has started making decision without checking with us. We started seeing my BIL’s fishing buddy, Dr Jason Lim (JL) in Sunway medical instead. I really like Dr JL, he’s very professional (no interruption in between consultation). He never made decision for us. He presented us with facts, and we decide what we wanted to do. He told me I was still very early in my pregnancy, the progesterone jab based on research has not shown to help prevent miscarriages; but if I wanted it, he would administer it, my choice. Our decision was no more hormonal jabs! 2 weeks after I knew I was pregnant, I had light spotting after my work out. It freaked me out! I was in cold sweat, went home, told Daddy about it, and then we started checking books, internet, what this meant. It seemed some pregnant ladies do have spotting, although it may be an indication of a miscarriage, it normally didn’t end up so. I went to see Dr JL the following day, the baby was still in tact (the dot was still there), so I felt more relieved. Dr JL also said there’s really not much he could do at this stage, unless I wanted the progesterone jab, or I wanted MC to have bed rest. The rest, it’s really up to the pregnancy itself. After this, I have spotting on and off, sometimes it's pink streaks of blood, sometimes it's very brownish discharge (like old blood). Although it disturbed me, I couldn’t do much. I stopped going to the gym, and tried to rest more to help with the pregnancy. I also visited the Dr weekly, just to make sure baby was still alright. During this time my beloved cat, Charm was sick and was having breathing difficulty. He, who was normally quite greedy, wasn’t eating or drinking, and had not used the litter box for 2 days. Because I was so preoccupied with my own problem, I didn’t bring him to the vet earlier. When I did, the vet claimed that he had pneumonia and failed kidneys. They needed to put him on drips, and recommended he stayed over night in the vet. I remembered that night, it was raining cats and dogs, with deafening thunder! An image of a very frighten cat occasionally came to my mind. At night, I prayed for my baby and Charm. The next morning before work, I went to visit Charm with my maid. When we arrived, the reception was looking nervous and mentioned about some miss call she’d placed to me. “What call?” was my replied. And then it occurred to me something must have gone wrong. Before the receptionist could reply, I already had tears in my eyes. Yes, Charm has died, he was found dead in his cage that morning. I took his stiffen body back and buried him in our back yard. It was like a funeral, both my maid and I crying. I blamed myself, I was busy with my own problems, and brought him to see the vet too late, also, I shouldn’t have left him overnight in the vet, he must have been frightened to death by the thunderstorm. The same afternoon, while still grieving, I saw a blotch of blood on my underwear when I went to the toilet. I started trembling, what did this mean? Am I loosing the baby? I called Daddy home, and we went to the hospital together. It was however, Dr JL’s surgery day, so we saw another Dr. The other Dr did the scan, the little dot was still there (though still no heart beat for an 8 week old baby, but then we might have calculated our dates wrongly). He suggested I take a progesterone jab, just to be on the safe side. We agreed, anything to help! I was so dispirited when I got home; I laid in bed with very red and swollen eyes. While Daddy was sitting next to me, consoling me, I felt spasm of pain in my abdomen. I was crying, for Charm, and also because I was very worried about the baby. The spasm became worse, it was like a contraction, it was painful. I was telling Daddy it hurt so much, and I didn’t know what was happening. And then the pain just stopped, as suddenly as it started. I was sighing in relieve, luckily nothing happened, so I thought! I drifted to sleep. When it was time for dinner, I went first to the toilet to pee. When I sat on the toilet bowl, I felt something dripping out, and then a plop! I looked, and to my horror, I saw this dark blood clot in a lighter pool of blood in the toilet bowl. I reached to retrieve the blood clot; what I saw in my hand was a piece of liver like flesh, the size of 20cent coin. I could feel the blood draining from my face, I was shaking, I shouted for Daddy. Tears was pouring down. It was our 8 week old baby, just expelled out from my body, the same day as I lost my beloved cat. I screamed in my mind, “God, why this? Why happen to me? After 5years of waiting and THIS?” It was the worst day of my life.

34 comments:

babe_kl said...

i witnessed my ex-colik's miscarriage in the office... it was not a pleasant thing plus we were so helpless when she was in pain. cant wait for part 7...

Sue said...

i'm so sorry it had to happen, specially losing 2 loved ones on the same day... i have read about miscarriages, but never in such detail as you're revealing here... kudos to you for keeping yourselves together

Anonymous said...

i just looked through zara's photo album and i cant imagine how powerful the emotions were the first time both of you met on your hospital bed.

btw, i have the same slippers as you! haha the pink ones with love hearts all over it! :)

Milly said...

ops soli...!!

i'm dropping my tear when read until "what I saw in my hand was a piece of liver like flesh"

i was like ouch....oh no...

uhuhuhu...crying...

jazzmint said...

my heart sank so deep when I read this post...now pls post your part 7 and 8 faster :)

Msau said...

u wrote the miscarriage part so detail ler..It reminded mine 1st time ...just exactly same like urs, eventho tat time I'm at the clinic waiting hall but still kenot avoid it..hai..I'm totally 三魂不見了七魄 at tat moment...

Passerby A said...

I totally understand how you felt. I had a threatened miscarriage in my 2nd trimester with Ophelia. Really cried my eyes out and praying all the time. I was bed-ridden for 1 month and managed to keep her.... but the experience really shook me up so much that I had post natal blues for 2 years after Ophelia was born :(

Loc Kee said...

oops... soli.
i felt something wrong when i read your last post but dunno how to ask... Realy feel not Onn Lokk now.
cheer up!!

Allyfeel said...

Zara's mama, I am so sorry to hear these. You are a brave women.

momm said...

i had this piece of liver flesh that dropped out before though..

i remembered it was something to do with the thickening of the tissue walls during period.... somewhat not linked to the foetus. but i can't recall exactly what it is.

Anonymous said...

sorry to read wat happened. be strong.

kinda makes u sad when one person is trying so hard to conceive and u read in the papers newborns being dumped.

-Max

Helen said...

Gosh, when I read your previous post, I thought everything would turned out right.... I did not expect u to lose your 8 week old baby... This is a nightmare!!

Jason said...

*sniff sniff*

P/S : Somehow it takes ages to finish ur archives. Still stuck in September. -rolls eyes-

Fannie said...

hmm...when umentioned about spotting it could be good news or bad news cos spotting could means implantation bleeding as well...

When I read that u feel the spasms...it doesn't spell good...but trouble...

I have spotting too when I was in my first trimester. I was busy eith preparations and not enough rest...but...every thing was fine and well in 3 days...

You are really a very very brave Mommy for Zara! 3 cheers for you, Agnes!

shiaulin said...

as expected from ur last sentences of ur last part, but never thought u would describe until so detail. feel so sorry for u, no matter how, still a happy ending after all... can say nothing can stop u from trying to be a mother. Brovo u zaramom

Mother Superior said...

Agnes, when I read abt the "plop", my heart sank too. What courage you have to pursue on. Part 7, please, dying to know how and what happened after that.

Btw, I linked you to my blog hor, your story is just so exciting.

blurblur said...

I admire your courage to re-collect these dark moments in your life! It's realy heart-wrenching to read the loss of your baby...

You're indeed brave, Agnes!

Baby Smooches said...

Write a book on this for little zara and her (future) kids. This will remind them of the love and experience that a mother like you has willing sacrifice to have the best.

maria aka twinsmom said...

O_O""

Fashionasia said...

aiyooo....i suddenly feel weak all over....
I NEVER knew miscarriages are such horrifying experiences......
Do you know the reason?? Is it the gym or the jab? Hope you can share with us.

Zara's Mama said...

babe_kl,
I'm surprise your colleague actually remained in the office. Won't she want to go to the Dr to check?

sue,
I'm surprised I could still remember so much details. Wanted to forget it, but at the same time wanted to remember so I can cherish Zara more.

anonymous,
wow, so observant, saw the slippers!

milly,
don't cry, xiau mei mei. It's the past, now I'm happy liao, so you happy for me also.

jasmine,
posting posting. Now only happy post.

msau,
you also kena before? Aigh, why we have to go through this leh?

the diva,
it's really depressing isn't it? unlike you, I think b'cos of whatever I'd suffered, there was no post depression blue, as I felt so lucky to eventually have Zara.

loc kee, allyfeel,
now over already. So not sad any more.

byrdie,
you mean you had that liver thingy falling out during your pregnancy as well? You must be worried sick!

max,
exactly, it's so sad to know some people wanted babies so badly but couldn't conceive, and yet there are people who throw their babies away!

helen,
luckily, nightmare is over.

jason,
archive no need to read la, read latest posts.
Btw, you shaved your hair now very lengjai la.

fannie,
I think any form of spotting should be alarmed. But sometimes may not end up to be such a disaster.

shiaolin,
yeah happy ending! Or else, maybe I can't write about it also.

mother superior,
only wonderful things happened after that.

blurblur, maria,
:-) (happy now, don't worry)

baby smooches,
actually my intention of writing this is to record it (next time Zara can read) and also to encourage people not to give up.

fashionasia,
it's nature way of purging away embroy with genetic problem. In my case, that is.

mom2ashley said...

at first i thought yoou wrote your title wrongly..so sorry to hear 2 losses for you at one go! Anyway..zara would really appreciate what you all have been through when she reads this next time.

babe_kl said...

it just happened after lunch and she was in so much pain on her abdomen not knowing wat it was. she din know she was pregnant in the first place. waited for about sometime for pain to subside and hubby to come to fetch her.

Cyrene said...

Can't wait for the next part... the grand finale!

Egghead said...

OMG!!! this is the first time I heard about such miscarriage!!
sorry for your lost...

ky said...

Oh, my heart already sank when you wrote Zara was born 15 mths later. That's the worst to happen for any couple who wanted a baby so much.

Zara's Mama said...

dinah,
most importantly, I have Zara in the end.

babe_kl,
I hope it didn't hit her (your colleague) that badly.

cyrene,
it's out already.

egghead,
it's ok. it's over already.

ky,
you bet, but I'm still lucky because I eventually have Zara.

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