Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Carrot And Stick

I try to be a good mum, I really try. I prefer not to use any physiccal force but to reason with her, but I'm also impatient and short temper. On occasions when Zara pushed me to the limits, and refused to heed my warnings, I will slap her thighs, her buttocks or her hand. Here are 2 common situations which I will use physical force : 1) She soils her diaper and while I'm changing her, she tosses and turns, and reaches her hands out to touch her buttocks. 1st warming, "No Zara! Dirty! Zara cannot touch!" If she still reached out to touch her buttock or wriggle about, I'll issue the 2nd warning. I point my pointer at her "NO! Mummy beat beat!". And then if she still doesn't listen, I'll slap her thigh. That would make her cry and stay still. 2) When she endanger herself like trying to put the gum ball into her mouth. After 2 warnings are issued ("No Zara, after you choke on the ball!" followed by a "Stop It! Don't be silly! Mummy beat beat huh?!"), PIAK, my palm will land on her hand or buttocks after I take the ball away from her. If you asked the little girl "If Zara yai-yai (Chinese: naughty, but a milder form), what will mummy do?" She'll reply, "Beeat!" and then clap her hands together! Lately, I'd devised another way of 'punishing' her. So far, I'd placed her 3 times in the naughty corner, where I'd put her facing the wall at the corner of the room. Nobody was allowed to console her even if she got upset, for a minute or 2, and then I'd pick her up and tell her what she did wrong. No physical punishment, but that seems to work better. Now when she's misbehaving, I'd only had to threaten her with, "Zara want to go to naughty corner?". She would reply "Don wan!" and then pull her act together or at least try to. Every time after I'd punished her, she would want me to carry and comfort her or else she would bawl. I'm not all evil, I reward her generously too. When she does something clever or good, I applaud, praise her, lift her high up, kiss her, hug her, make a big fuss out of it, makes her feel kembang (Malay : ego expanded). Now whenever she does something clever, she would clap her hands and shout, "Bah-Vo (Bravo, thanks to Sound of Music)". I get the signal when she does that, and will clap furiously too, and will elbow Tuyam and Daddy to do the same. Do you punish your kids, even a toddler? And who do you reward them?

36 comments:

Helen said...

I have a short fuse one. I can tahan other ppl's kids... but my one, I sure whack one. lol

The key word is balance lar. A time to whack and a time to sayang. Encouragement and motivation has been said to be more effective than whacking... but IMHO, in parenting you gotta play by the ear. Every child is different.. there is no sure fomula.

But, I truly believe girls are easier to teach.lol

Kat said...

Interesting, how the 'naughty corner' works despite her tender age...I must try that one day. And most definitely, my girl was much, much easier to handle than my boy.

Spare the rod, spoil the child?

I usually smack the offending limb, ie. hand that touches something he is not supposed to or leg that kicks someone he is not supposed to. Sometimes I give him the 'look' when he looks at me before attempting something he's not supposed to...this works..occasionally. Another is I will brandish the rotan in front of him (only in very, very serious occasions, I've never actually touched him with it). He has seen me use it on his sister enough to be afraid!

Although, sometimes he does something that is soooo naughty, it's just plain funny!! Although I get angry, his face is so guilty, I just burst into laughter!! Punishment enough!!

When he does something he is supposed to? Hug, smile, laugh, cheer, lift/swing him up...God forbid I ever reward him with food!! Such a delight to see his face light up when he knows he has done good!

Simple American said...

You have to punish children or they won't understand limits. If they don't listen at a young age and you let them go they will not listen when they are older.

Just remember that everything you do is a lesson. If you yell at a child in certain situation, they can only relate the yelling is appropriate when things are stressful.

If you just pop them and without explanation they are going to be confused and think that is how things are done. You don't like something go ahead and whack your sibling.

It sounds like you are doig things pretty good ZM. It always hurt to pop your kiddos. But sometimes it cannot be avoided if they are to learn boundaries.

jazzmint said...

Yes I do. Lately she's been spitting her food, so I will slap her mouth and she will do her pain face *faints*.

The other day, she went to open up the rice container and play with rice, she saw the maid taking rice from there. So when she did that, Mommy's deadliest rotan came out, smack on the thigh. Now when I mention rotan, she can still remember it and dare not go near the rice container :P

Reward, yes!! If she finish her food, we will give her more food (her likings) hahaha... when she does something good, we will clap hands and kiss her.

eileen said...

I think beating should be the very very very last resort. I'm a big fan of shows like SuperNanny and Nanny 911. Ang moh don't cane or beat their kids. Instead, they use the reward and punish method. Put a board/little white board in the living room, decorate it, and buy magnets. If possible, buy something which she likes, like fish or cartoon charater. Explain to her that if she has done something good, one magnet will go up and if she's naughty, one magnet will come down.

The naughty corner is very, very effective as well! =)

sesame said...

I try not to beat him, if I can. But I'm quite like you because I have a short fuse. For this reason, I've avoided having a cane at home. So if he gets on my nerve, he'll be smacked on the thighs. Sometimes if he's too defiant, he gets a light slap on the cheek.

I've tried the time-out method but Gavin seems to think it's fun as he grows older.

But I'm generous with my compliments, praises and love with him. His dad on the other hand, indulges him with toys.

Jesslyn said...

Me good guy at home, hardly see me punish or smack kids at home. So hubby has to become bad guy, he did the punishment, not smack or beat but punish her for not bringing her for outing,or not soothe her when she cry.
Now I only start smack Wien if she not behave, she will cry non-stop until I soothe her. Lyon will cry first even when we just warning her! sigh

mom2ashley said...

actually i read somewhere that only when your kid reaches the 1 year old mark and above is when there's a need to start disciplining them. If they are less than 1 year olds...so far, I haven't started disciplining Ashley cause she's still a baby (to me anyways)...ai yo..I can't imagine when we have to start disciplining her when the time comes....must be quite a heartache huh?

momm said...

natalie knows it whenever she does something wrong. i'd never stop her from exploring something new, but i'd inform her in advance that this toy is a choking hazard, or this can cut your finger and the blood would ooze out.

so she's somewhat (extra) careful when it comes to any toy that came with a "pre-warn".

but at times when she doesn't listen and insists on doing it, i'd scold her real hard. she knows that she's wrong and she'd be about to cry. i'd then explain why then give her a big hug.

the funny thing is, she seem to know me rather well. she knows when i'd be angry, when i wouldn't. sometimes, i'd scold her gently (cos not a serious issue) and she'd run towards me and give me a huge GRIN AND SHAKE HER BUTT!!!

blurblur said...

Like you, i'm short tempered and when Damien gets on my nerves, i can be quite harsh to him;p i don't use the cane,but i would give him a slap on his thigh, and that usually stop whatever mischief he's into!

Time-out and 'naughty corner' doesn't work for him, he simply can't keep still :(

As for rewards, just a sweet will make him happy for a long time! Of course, plus mummy and daddy's hugs and kisses and love! :)

Lazymama said...

I beat YChing too on her thigh when she is getting uncontrollable and very generous too with praises, hugs and kisses!

I like your naughty corner's method. Will try it out!

Egghead said...

me ah... really rarely lor... most of the time we give in to our son... I guess children are naughty in nature... my view is that the adult should learn how to pursuade them through words if possible... but that's me :P

michelle said...

Once bitten twice shy. Whack one time hard hard, then they will remember. Follow thru is also very important, so they understand what went wrong.

However I reward more than I punish. :D

maria @ twinsmom said...

yah... I heard a lot "don't beat them, have to talk to them and let them know what she did is wrong..." yada yada yada...
when warning no use (they actually get use to it) the smack and cane have to do the job.
stand corner? emm.... not so powerful like "no TV and PC game" hahaha...

Idham said...

mama...or rtaher zara's mum,

yes, the notty corner apparently work, infact in the UK tV series called "super nanny" she prescribed the naughty corner as an effective way to conditioning children to what adult calls " consequences management".
Am no expert maa....still in dating game looking for miss right..

wink wink...

idham.

Jean said...

We believed in discipline using the rod. we usually set the rules and if grace disobeyed, we will use the correction depending on situation. sometimes spank on the hand or thigh. If rod is use it will be on her butt. This works for us and so far, our little girl listens though sometimes she will still test water :-)

FishyOct said...

oh - i was jus watching a british made documentary - super nanny last week.

it did mentioned about the naughty corner.

yes, it was very effective at least in the case study done in the show

mumsgather said...

For effective discipline to happen, we the parents must be consistent with our rules. The other thing I believe is we must smack only to discipline and explain with words and sayang them back after everything has cooled down. Its a nono to smack out of anger or through loss of our own self control. Smacking loses its effectiveness then. But all these... easier said than done. Haiyh!

Helen said...

It's me again... when I dropped by the 2nd time, only then I noticed your headings.. lol

Carrot and Stick... I was expecting something 18SX..:-P

Tracy said...

When Destinee was younger, I whacked her once with my rotan (real teruk one with a deep rotan mark) and made her sit on the sofa and from then onwards whenever I reach for my rotan, she'll behave herself. She knows what I'm going to do next whenever I ask kakak 'mana rotan?'.

Hahaha, hope Zara will be a good good girl and will not get a taste of the rotan from mommy.

Kampungkai said...

i cant remember how my parents taught me, but i know i was a veyr quiet and obedient boy haha! *kembang... better than those who scream like mad in public places and create some noise pollution :P

i just noticed that zara has thick lips like angelina jolie, especially the lower lip. er... i guess this is not the 1st time u heard ppl saying this?

Cherry said...

My sister does the same thing to her son as well - the naughty corner thingy. It worked for a while and then it back fired cos whenever he did something naughty and she asked "do u want to stare at the wall?" he would actually say yes! and voluntarily stand at the wall and refusing to apologise for his bad behaviour. now whenver he is upset or in a bad mood..he will just stare at the wall and sulk.

Greenapple said...

place her in time-out zone is one of the most common practice in western countries if i am not wrong. i think you're on a right track, zara's mum.

hey, this solo photo of zara is so pretty! she has nice eyes! and like what kampungkai said, sexy lips too!

another pretty girl growing up!

eve said...

it seems i m the oni one whacking little karen when she is beyond control..her daddy n granma n granpa never ever raise their hands on her..i m short fuse too..after a day's hard work , all u wan is just a little bit of peace n quiet..and believe it , everytime i beat her hard on her little hands , i cry n thru my tears , i'll tell her how much it hurts mommy too...so mommy will not beat karen anymore if she behaves next time.but then kids nowadays,kik sei..after a few times of beatings , i'll be the onli one crying n she wont even batter an eye lid..very sat pai la..my heart pains more than her hands..sei mou..

Fannie said...

I do punish Ethyl once in a while when she's too much for me to handle.

I do spank her thigh or hit her palm when she's touching this that she shouldn't or she's too stubborn.

But of course, love, encouragement and hugs are still the majority...It is how we handle the kids that is important, we don't punish them blindly or too harshly.

I do explain to her whenever I discipline her.

Passerby A said...

We have a "naughty play pen" - actually more like a little jail lah. So far, Ophelia has only been put inside there by her daddy a few times. I haven't found her so naughty that I needed to put here there. Anyway, she's learnt how to climb in and out of the play pen on her own nowadays. The "naughty play pen" is "taken over by events".

earthember said...

I think I punish more than I reward. But I do give praises generously. Yes, I believe in disciplining of the kids, and in some extreme naughty cases, I will hit on the palm or the thigh.

The "naughty corner" or time-out place didn't quite work for my kids.

Zara's Mama said...

Thank you all for sharing your method of diciplining your child.. And to those who do not have children but shared what they know.

Hmm.. I think to achieve a balance is important. And yes, I do explain to her why I beat her or punish her, don't just do it and leave her clueless.

It pains me to beat her, and I regret especially for those occasions where I spanked her because I was stressed out and quick to get annoyed, and she misbehaved small time(which on other days when I'm in a better mood, I would have tolerated and spend sometime explaining to her).

And yes, I love this photo of Zara a lot, especially it brought out colour of her eyes.. As for the lips.. err, it's my first time hearing she has sexy lips.

Thanks to those who visited my blog for the first time, I'll try to return the favour.

And Helen, remember, this is a blog about Zara, nothing 18SX ler.

Allyfeel said...

Hey I like how the naughty corner works.
I might want to try it.

I beat his palm sometimes when he is naughty and tell him what he did wrong and demand an apology. He listens, won't repeat the same thing in that day but might do it again the next day. *shake head* I also believe in praise and encouragement to boost his confidence.

Twin said...

yeah when warnings doesn't work ... i do beat out of anger and I think its bad and I regret it after that. I read its not a good way of disciplining. I use the 'notti corner' too. And it always work. But be warned not to overuse it. :)

geetha said...

Sure beat wan.. but it depends, how naughty he was. Otherwise, my loud, stern voice is suffice ;)

I haven't tried the naughty corner yet.. don't know whether he will understand or not. But since Zara understand, then I think Champion should too :P

But then again.. we shower them with lots of praise, love and affection.. their precious rewards..

Anonymous said...

Hello All .... a very interesting discussion going here. Is it very common for Malaysian mums to hit/slap their kids?
Glasgow Mum

Irene said...

Since I'm the disciplinarian at home, it's the voice of thunder that scares her.

When Hailey gets mad, she likes to swing her arms and actually hit at whoever made her mad. So, I have to pin her arms down, then stare her down. Surprisingly, this has work.

Zara's Mama said...

Allyfeel,
Normally after disciplining her, she'll be good for a while, until the next time. But I'll normally remind her.. "Remember last time you did this, what did mummy do?" She'll then say, "Beat!" and then will not do it. :P

Twin,
Beating out of anger is something we sometimes do.. but we always regret after that. :( We are only human.

Geetha,
that's right, we create a balance.

Glasgow Mum,
Don't get us wrong. Our spanking is normally not very hard. It's just enough for them to feel a bit of pain, to know the concequences of them being naughty.
We use other methods, like naughty corners, taking away their favourite things too.
And we also give a lot of praisings, loves, and encouragement.
The important thing is to creat a balance.
In your society, no spanking at all?

Irene,
Hmm.. I should try that out too..

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