Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Mummy's Fault

We spent the night at King's Wife's place, yet again, since Daddy was away. Zara and I took the guest's maid's room as usual, and both Tuyam and King's Wife's maid took the girls' room next to ours. After tucking Zara in at 9:30pm, and making sure she has pillows all around her to prevent her from accidentally falling, I went downstairs to the study to do some blog surfing. I told Tuyam that I needed to 'work', and asked her to 'listen out' for Zara's cry in the adjoining room when she went to bed. There I was happily blog surfing, without Daddy or King's Wife waiting for their turn. At about 11pm, I could hear some noises, a bit like wailing, penetrating the quiet night. The first thing I thought was 'ghost' (I'm always very scared to be downstairs alone when everybody is asleep, even in my own home). I could feel a chill down my spine. I stopped what I was doing, and tried to listen again. Shit! It was coming from upstairs, not ghost, but Zara crying! I quickly ran upstairs. The sound of her cry grew louder and louder as I ascended the stairs. When I entered the room, I found Zara standing on the floor in the dark room. She probably had already been crying for a while, because her voice was coarse. I quickly scooped her up, turned on the lights, almost in a panic, wondered if she'd fallen from the bed and hurt herself. "Zara, did you fall down?" Of course she didn't know how to reply. She continued crying! I checked her head, no bumps no red patches, don't think she knocked her head. "Zara, where pain pain?" I asked her. She pointed to her chest. Her way of signing to indicate some where is hurting. I went on to check her arms, her legs, but there's no sign that she's hurt. "Zara, scared scared or pain pain?" I asked further. She started patting her chest, an indication to say she's scared. "Mummy so sorry, mummy shouldn't have left you alone in the room." All these while of 'communicating' to me, she was still crying, and shouting on top of her lungs. I carried her out of the room, so that I have more space to walk about and calm her. Tuyam then stuck her head out from the girls' room, "Nangis ya?" (Malay: Crying, is it?) There was this very strong desire to lash at her, but because I have a wailing baby to calm, I just responded angrily, "You tak dengar ke?" (Malay: You didn't hear it?). "Tak, mari saya dukong" (Malay: No, come, let me carry her), she replied. I just stared at her and said, "You balik tidur la, dia mana mahu you sekarang?" (Malay: You go back to sleep, she won't want you now). She stuck her head back into the room, and closed the door. When Zara cried like this, it is very difficult to calm her. I patted her, rocked her, pacing up and down the corridor. She had her head leaning on my shoulder all the time, but she was still crying. I went back to the room and thought of lying her on the bed to nurse her, but the minute I lifted her away from my body, she wailed loudly. I kept calming her, "Mummy is here, don't worry, mummy won't leave you." However, she just won't let me separate her body from mine. I started singing her lullaby, "Hush Little Baby don't say a word, mummies going to buy you....." She started calming down, still crying, but more of a sob, head still on my shoulder. When I finished the song, I stopped and tried to lay her back on the bed again. She looked at me with teary eyes, and pointed her finger to her palm (her MORE sign). So I sang, again and again and again, every time I tried to stop, she would do the MORE sign. After singing like 10times, I slowly placed her back on the bed, she didn't protest now, but her hands clung to one of my arm, as though afraid I would leave her. So I laid next to her, arms around her, and patted her, kept telling her it's alright, her sobs slowly turned to sniffles, and then she fell asleep, still with hands firmly around my arm. I felt so very bad for the rest of the night, not knowing if she'd fallen or climbed down the bed on her own; not sure her cry was due to pain or fear, or probably both. What a bad mummy I'd been, placing her alone in the dark room and went blog surfing. I need to make sure my Baby Monitor is with me if I ever needed to leave her like that again.


Lin Peh said...

Try singing my hokkien Jit Pah Ban ! Sure she stop crying wan !

shoppingmum said...

Gosh, she must be really scared. I always bring along my baby monitor and will run upstairs ASAP when I hear any sound. Just worried about babies falling off the bed.

Passerby A said...

I think she's just shocked to wake up in a strange room...

I used to have a maid who would act blur when Ophelia cried in the night. She would just ignore everything and hide in her room.

Once I was so fed up that I kicked the door of her room. She opened the door immediately. With the wailing baby in my arms, I told her to pack up her things and sit in the kitchen until the morning. I sent her back home to her own country.

yl said...

Agnes: give yourself a break... i know easy for us (especially me, being a single and non-mommy) to comment and say... but sometimes, you could not blame yourself for every single accident and stuff that happened to baby... dun feel guilty lahz...

the Diva: are you worried that she might disappear in the night, as in run away to avoid being sent back since you made it so clear??

King's wife said...

normally she sleeps so soundly at that time, guess u never expected her to tiba tiba wake up. We've all had our "bad mummy" times. :(

wah, diva very garang. If lita worked for her, she would have been sent home 20times over!!

King's wife said...

You should record your jit pah ban and post it in your blog. especially now you have all the canggih equipment/musicians to help you. Put it as bonus track to White Christmas...

AsleyLee said...

It's so heart-distressed when i read your blog about Zara standing lonely in the dark room. So sayang her.

Lazymama said...

I think she didn't fall but feeling fear in a dark room and couldn't see mummy, so cried for help.

We all have experienced such moment.

L B said...

"Hush Little Baby don't say a word, mummies going to buy you....."

.... a..?

an iPod?

:-) Sorry, couldn't resist. But hope you smiled too..

Mother Superior said...

I think shoppingmum's idea of a baby monitor is great, esp for two or three levelled houses. I used to have one for kids till they're way past one.

L B: ipod? Whoa, starting the kid young indeed! :-)

mom2ashley said...

perhaps it's a new place i.e. not her usual room that suddenly she felt lost. it's so good that she is able to communicate to you via signing. nowadays, i've resorted to blogging in the bedroom itself so that i can watch over ashley while she sleeps at the same time.

Jesslyn said...

My girls too if wake up midnite & couldn't find mummy, they'll cry badly.
They'll fell to floor too sometimes even they sleep on mattress that I placed on the floor, also cry badly! Not our fault, so dun blame yourself too!

Selba said...

Yes, I think a baby monitor is a great one. My host parents used to use a baby monitor. I think probably it is more reliable than to a 'maid'.

Egghead said...

at least you dare to leave your daughter alone... we are paranoid parents... never left him alone anywhere even though he is asleep...

Annie said...

I am bad too?? My girl, altho 3yo already, will cry too if she wake up in the middle of the nite and din see ME! But usually i'll leave the door opened a little, so that can hear her cry...

Hmm,dun u like it when they cry for us??? Felt so NEEDED hor!!

maria aka twinsmom said...

Oh...I get use to it liao...
first few times very kan-cheong, and sam-tong, then now just open the door, went in pat pat, ok, come out happy hour again.
FYI, me and Twinsdad both drop each of the girls once, from the bed to the floor, but only once, then we take down the bed frame, LOL...


i saw how skillful is lil Zara climbing up and down the bed in your previous post and i believe it's not the fall... prob just being scared left alone in a strange place. so, don't beat yourself up for it

Zara's Mama said...

you teach me how to sing la.

If I'm home, I'll turn it on, but because I wasn't and didn't bring it along, so there wasn't any 'monitoring'.. *aigh*

The Diva,
Wow, you are 'fierce'..
I just told her off the following day. It was my mistake too, relying on her instead of the baby monitor.

Sometimes it's like that, if there's any slightest possibility that the child falls or gets ill because of something you do.. you feel extremely guilty.. Aigh.

King's Wife,
Haha, lita is a different case. Today another thing funny happened, I said, "Lita, bring me a chopstick to eat my noodle".. She really follow instruction closely, she only brought 1 side of the chopstick to me.
Good training from you!! hahahaha..

Agree, Linpeh should record his Jit Pak Ban as bonus track.

Yeah, even more heart breaking when you actually see her with tears streaming down, and voice all coarse.

l b,
Hush little baby don't you pout
Uncle L B's going to buy you an iPod
If the iPod won't sing
Uncle L B's going to buy you a PSP
*bambi eyes*

Mother Superior,
Yeah.. I'll remember my monitor. Never leave home without it.

Aaah.. you have wireless? We normally work in the study. Maybe we should get wireless too.

My guilt goes away very fast one. :P But during that time really feel sorry.

Definitely more reliable than a maid. :P

Wow, LLS very precious woh. How to not leave her if want to surf net in the study or watch TV in the living room?

We normally will just keep her in the room, but turn on the monitor, so we can go to her immediately when she wants us. But I just didn't bring the monitor along when I went to King's Wife's place. So this happen loh.

These days because got lots of mosquito, we don't leave door open or mosquito will attack her.

Yeah, sometimes feel very 'shiok' but sometimes feel very tired when they need us so much. :P

This King Wife loh, she told me she got a friend who's son was 10mths old, fell down from the bed, and coma, then passed away. Aigh, after that phobia.

I would like to believe it's because of fear.
Thanks and I won't beat myself up. :P Probably will beat the maid instead. *evil grin*

Sue said...

I had the same experience once, but I know for sure he fell down coz I can hear the thud all the way from the hall *paiseh*...

So now, I always leave a gap in the door and I tend to be very scared to leave him for long, normally will check on him every now and then. Now he's better already though, when the door is ajar, he'll just climb down from the bed in the mornings and walk out to the hall (we sleep in the room near the kitchen downstairs :P).

jazzmint said...

maybe she had nightmare...and woke up all alone, not the familiar bed and smell...she'll be alright :)

Helen said...

This is frightening for Zara... to be alone and in a strange place. Do you play a little music/radio for Zara when she sleeps?? Maybe you can try? :-)
I find that it helps to soothe the child if there is some familiar music/radio playing in the background.

Thank God Zara is OK. Don't be too hard on yourself.... you are doing great!! LOL

Twin said...

Prolly had a nightmare. yeah i remember whe i left denisha upstairs alone without the baby monitor, she'll be like that too sometimes and I will ask her .. what's wrong? She will say scared .. scared monsters. and I'll tell her don't be scared mommy's here .. mommy will beat monsters. And she'll lean on my chest while I soothe her back to sleep.

ky said...

Probably due to being in a room that she is not used to, plus darkness and dearest mommy not there. Try leaving a small light on, if you don't have the monitor with you. At least, if she wakes up and find herself in a strange place, she won't get too panick or frighten due to darkness.

Maids usually will sleep like a log lah. Mine ah, thurder storm until whole hse flooded also cannot wake up!

L B said...

LOL!! Great lyrics! I like that Uncle bit.. but what's with the *bambi eyes*?! Good try, but won't work leh. I am a hardened nut.

ps: Mother Superior - Yes, get them hooked young! Marketing mantra..

Zara's Mama said...

Thats a good way to child proof the house.. sleep downstairs. haha.

Yeah, she's alright. I think it was from fear that she cried.

Lots of people told me to play some music next to her when she's asleep.. Maybe I really should try it out.
Well, the guilt was just for a while.. See, today, I'm blog surfing again, leaving her in the same condition. *bad mummy*

How do they know there's monster huh? I hope Zara will never be afraid of monster since I'd not told her monster is frigtening. But maybe after she watched Monster Inc, she'll know there's monster to watch out for.

In our own house, we normally put on a night light for her. In King's wife's plc, no night lamp but there's some light shining in from the window.
Anyway, I think she must have shouted for me, and since I didn't go to her as quickly as I normally do, she got panicked and cried.

Aigh, wasted my bambi eyes.. *roll eyes*

blurblur said...

I hope both you and Zara have gotten over this incident already!:)

Most probably she's just crying out of fear as she did not see you when she awakes in an unfamiliar room! At the grand old age of 3yr2mth, Damien still cries when he wakes up from his nap at my MIL's room and i'm not there! :p

sesame said...

Hi...I can sense your anguish as well as heartache. As mummies, we tend to blame ourselves whenever something happen to our li' one. I can only say...always be safe and keep a watchful eye. But I think Zara was probably scared and did not fall off.

The baby monitor is okay...but then it would be too late to dash up when we hear the cries. My son sleeps with me on our bed, so I basically sleep with him and stay with him throughout the night. If I have work to do, or I want to blog, I do it beside the bed. No choice.

I don't let my maid take care of my boy in the night because I want her to have sufficient rest so that she can care for him well in the day.

Allyfeel said...

Poor girl, probably scared in new place without mommy.

I feel bad also when bb started crying out loud when I watched vcd or movie down stairs. By the time I attended to him, he's already sobbing non stop.

I think baby monitor is still a good idea, at least when she first cry, u already notice. Can attend to her immediately.

Sabrina said...

Pity little Zara. I am sure she must be so frightened.Crying for so long and yet mummy never appear.Ur maid should have stayed in the room with Zara till u come up. That's much more safer.

Zara's Mama said...

We're definitely over it. She has been sleeping well the last few days and I was still blogging away (never learnt my lesson huh?)

Wow, you really stick close by your son. :P
I don't normally get my maid to watch over Zara too in the night for the same reason as yours, but just that particular night, since she was sleeping in the adjoining room (in our house, she sleeps downstairs while we take the upstairs room) I just told her to watch out for her cry.
Anyway, baby monitor is probably the best option now.

Yes, Baby monitor is still the best. You can go to them the minute they 'shout' for you.

The episode has ended, and the conclusion is to use a baby monitor. Maids sleep like log, so I heard, since they have a tiring day.
Btw, you don't have your blog up yet?

Sabrina said...

I do have a blog.